Today I am 37 weeks along with our third pregnancy. I am full term. This entire pregnancy there has been a shadow of anxiety lurking in the corner. Being pregnant after having a miscarriage is exciting and terrifying at the same time. I thought once I saw the baby via ultrasound, I would feel so much better. And I did but no ignorant bliss like my pregnancy with Ainsley. After the first ultrasound, it was getting through my first trimester, then it was making it to the 21 week ultrasound, next I just needed to make it to when the baby could survive outside the womb and lastly, full term.
We made it. My baby is still here. And I will feel better when I see and hold her. And when we make it through the first year. Then I just have to help her make it to adulthood. And from there I will watch her (and Ainsley) grow and flourish until I die at an old age, with Hunter, “The Notebook” style. I just have to get through one step at a time.
I’ve said many times that I am not scared of having this baby, I am scared of not having her.
Two days before my miscarriage I had a very vivid dream, which isn’t unusual for me. In the dream I went to the hospital for an ultrasound. When they did the scan, they said you’re having the baby today. I did and after, I could see myself crying out to God. I woke up and assumed it was a dream about delivering a healthy baby and then crying out of joy and gratitude.
But two days later I had an ultrasound and began to miscarry that day. I realized my body and perhaps my subconscious knew before I did, that this pregnancy had ended way too soon. This dream has been on my mind a lot lately.
And so I spent a large amount of this pregnancy with a little cloud of fear hanging behind my shoulder. The cloud has gotten smaller with each little milestone we have hit. And I can see the light.
I’ve recently had a lot of dreams of labor, delivery and seeing my sweet baby girl. Ainsley even had a dream of playing with the baby and when she described Natalie (the baby) she described the same color hair and eyes that I saw when I dreamt of her. I can’t wait to see if we were right.
I’ve seen a lot of articles about miscarriage recently as October is miscarriage and infant loss awareness month. I’ve read some. But mostly I’m just trying to keep my faith bigger than my fear. Miscarriage does a lot to its victims (moms and dads). But one of the worst, in my opinion, is that it robs you of some of the joy pregnancy should bring. One thing I’ve learned though, is storms pass and joy comes in the morning!